How to Raise a Child

We recently staged Seussical JR at LCA and one of the most consistently potent songs to me is "How to Raise a Child," sung by Jojo's parents. In it they ask, "who has the instructions on how to raise a child!?" 

An opinion piece in last Friday's New York Times delved into the abyss of the wondering the very same question. How do we raise "moral" children- children who will become adults who care, are generous, and learn from their mistakes? Check out the article for the full details of Adam Grant's response- which is very well-researched and links to lots of different studies around this very topic. Two highlights of his piece were seemingly quite useful factoids to stow away in our parenting toolboxes:

I love tips like this one- especially when backed with scientific research- because it is a simple matter of verbiage. Word choice can mean everything. Here's the scoop: "To get 3- to 6-year-olds to help with a task, rather than inviting them “to help,” it was 22 to 29 percent more effective to encourage them to “be a helper.” Cheating was cut in half when instead of, “Please don’t cheat,” participants were told, “Please don’t be a cheater.”" I can completely see how this would work psychologically. Cheating might not seem so bad to an 8 year old, but being a full-out cheater? No, thank you! It comes down to this: "When our actions become a reflection of our character, we lean more heavily toward the moral and generous choices. Over time it can become part of us."

This second tip took me a little off guard. I have an aversion to the idea of causing guilt in any child. As my husband would say, "let me pack me bag if I'm going on a guilt trip." Yet, when placed up against shame, the implications make sense. When discipline is done in such a way to cause shame, it leads the child to avoid and ignore the wrong-doing, whereas guilt leads them to amend the wrong. One stifles while the other motivates. "The beauty of expressing disappointment is that it communicates disapproval of the bad behavior, coupled with high expectations and the potential for improvement: “You’re a good person, even if you did a bad thing, and I know you can do better.”" The potential for improvement, reconciliation, a better future despite our current mistaken actions? That is an idea I can get behind.

So, what do YOU think? Do you have any parenting tips you stand by- or any you adamantly disregard? We'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments!

Images by Rotu Modan, taken from the online New York Times edition of Raising a Moral Child by Adam Grant.